I can't stop partying. I can't even blog anymore, and when I do, it is no longer about the balut I ate for breakfast or my Kuya Bodoy's man-boobs, its about the night I went out and did something stupid.

Maybe my friend Andrew was right, he said I was going through a quarter-life crisis. Maybe my Uncle Skip was right, he said I had post-traumatic stress disorder after my mom's stroke.

Or I could be an alien from another planet who possessed my mom's only child at the age of 4, but forgot all about it's mission to take over the world because of my mom's salty-ass adobo that gave it a brain hemorrhage.

But after being couped up in a house for a year and a half, deprived of mangoes and shrimp paste, the alien within me is ready to commence with a job it came to finish. And that job is to either take over the world via 4 chilled shots of Don Julio, or to dance weekend nights away with women I don't know. Either way, taking over the world isn't going to be easy.

Last week the family decided to head off to an obscure Mediterranean hookah bar to start the season with flavored cancer. The waiter recommended a flavored tobacco I never heard of before called "mary juana." It was weird because he'd look around and whisper in a low voice whenever he offered it to us; and he always had something in his eye, as if he was winking, but he wasn't though.

Halloween sucks when your costume ends up looking like something entirely different. I was SUPPOSED to be a "doctor with blood on his lab coat." But I ended up looking like a "wannabe metrosexual doll house painter." Realistic fake blood my ass.

Great, we just turned into our parents. You can't see it but we are sitting on commodes. The other dark guy, with the glasses, is calling in sick for the 5th day.

Hi kids! Im Kuya Filipeanut. Well, today we will learn all about anagrams. An anagram is a word that makes another word when you mix up the letters. For example, when you mix up the letters in the word "eat", you can make the word "tae!" That's right kids, this is a bilingual show!

Top 5 anagrams for "Filipeanut":
5) I, flu pantie
4) A fine tulip
3) A flute in PI
2) Futile pain
1) Nut, if I leap

Thank you and tune in next time when we learn about the word "jer-jer."

I was having a debate about the Iran-Contra scandal with my 4 year old niece the other day when I realized that I was having a debate about the Iran-Contra scandal with my 4 year old niece.

What went wrong with me as I was growing up? Why come me not smart like these kids with their smartnesity? The only solution was to create a list of things I would tell my 4 year old self if I had the chance to go back in time and slap him.

1) Learn how to spell the word "definitely" early. You'll need it for future essays and blog posts you'll write.
2) In the 2nd grade, you'll meet your first Spanish-speaking friend. Don't tell her that she speaks Mexican like you know what the hell you're talking about. First off, she's from El Salvador you freaking idiot.
3) In the 3rd grade you'll have a crush on a girl named Charity. She doesn't live up to her name, so don't be afraid to holler at her. Make fun of her to show how much you care.
4) Try your best not to follow the crowd from middle school to your sophomore year in high school. By your junior year, kids will start to mature and you'll be accepted as the idiot you always were.
5) In 2005, you'll start a blog called Filipeanut.com. Instead of that, invest in a company called Google.

Very impressive. Unless of course I find myself in an embankment, texting the hell out of that number.