First of all, your average American bus only stops at places called, “bus stops.” Jeepney’s don’t stop at all, you hop on while they’re still moving ensuring your prompt arrival to your destination.

Second, you must pay a flat fare on an American bus which is paid at the beginning of your trip. In a jeepney, your payment is equivalent to the distance between you and your manicurist’s house and you pay on your way out, again, while the jeepney is moving to ensure quality of life and peace on earth.

Lastly, you can only stay in designated spaces on an American bus called “chairs.” On a jeepney, every square inch is utilized. I myself like to ride on the left rear bumper or on the roof of the driver side. It makes me feel like im on the Titanic.

My heart will go on Jeepney, my heart will go on.

That’s right kids, polvoron is much sweeter and it doesn’t make you think you can breathe underwater or bark like a dog.

There’s nothing like biting into flaky, dreamy polvoron and enjoying it’s creaminess melting in your mouth. Well, I take that back. I’ll skinny dip in chocolate polvoron over a bag of white polvoron anytime. Anyway, the fact that polvoron can be found covered in colorful wrapping paper makes it the best snack/dinner in the universe. Yea, I eat polvoron for dinner sometimes, but only when im feeling sexy. And im feeling sexy. Crab polvoron it is then.

It’s true, the evil devil carts at Hong Kong International airport run around without drivers, electrocuting people. If you think that’s bad, the chairs at gate 666 have no armrests. BLASPHEMY!

Next month will be the worst month of my life since New Kids on the Block split up.

Every two years Filipinos from my mom’s home province return to the Philippines for a month of partying, gluttony, and reunion-ing. They call it “TBTK“. Because I won’t be going this year, I call it “I don’t have any money and im busy making ends meet so I can’t go my life stinks.”

This sucks. It’s bad enough that I miss my family there, now my family HERE will be going there to scuba dive, eat raw fish, and drink tuba (coconut wine) for a whole month. I wonder if New Kids on the Block will be getting back together sometime soon. I don’t think so.

Pisting yawa (fuck).

Hong Kong’s International airport is unnecessarily large. Don’t be surprised to find people in this airport running towards restrooms and hot Chinese flight attendants. I know I did.

The passenger terminal is under a mile long and covers 135 acres, making it the largest airport terminal with a lot of carpet. You don’t want to be in this airport if you have to go to the bathroom because you’ll need another airplane to get to the other side.

It’s fun though, getting dizzy over the airport’s vertigo-inducing size and that “new airport” smell. So be sure to use Cathay Pacific when flying to the Philippines so you can connect from Hong Kong. Philippine Airlines stops at some obscure island somewhere near Bermuda. Few ever survive the stop over.

The Oh my Gulay show is a podcast run by a Filipino couple in California that focuses on Filipino history and Filipino recipes, two things i’ve been trying to master. Thanks to their podcast, I get educated and fat.

A podcast is something you save to your Ipod/cassette player and listen to when you’re at work or chopping wood, whichever makes you unhappy. The Oh my Gulay show is one of many Filipino podcasts you can listen to on the internet, especially when you feel like listening in on Filipino tsismis or gossip. But each podcast is different, even if they’re done by the same brown people. Putanginamo.com (which means “Your mom’s flowers are lovely”) is basically for those Asian fetishists out there who get aroused by Asians talking about Asian fetishists. They also talk about beastiality, but im not gonna go there. The Sini-gang is a Filipino crime syndicate whose operations are based in Virginia beach. I don’t know where that is, I guess they podcast on a beach in Virginia.

Anyway, Obi and Marie of the Oh my Gulay show had me on their 25th episode. It’s too bad I sound like a shy, quiet, recluse on their podcast because im really quite adventurous and sexy. Actually no im not. Ok, listen to every episode except for number 25, you’ll learn alot. Thanks Obi and Marie!

I just realized that anybody can make the world’s biggest sandwich. All you have to do is take a slice of bread (or pan de sal, whichever you prefer) and throw it on the ground. At that same exact moment, another person on the other side of the globe must also place a slice of bread on the ground, therefore making an… EARTH SANDWICH (cue thunder and barking dogs).

Unfortunately there are billions of gallons of cold Indian Ocean water on the other side of the world, directly under me. So unless you have a submarine and waterproof dough, i’m out of luck. But if you live in Manila all you have to do is ask your long lost uncle in Pontes e Lacerda, Brazil to help you make an… EARTH SANDWICH… and you will be remembered in history books as the first brown people to make an… EARTH SANDWICH. Why? Because it’s already been done by Canadians.

Meet my good friend nucus (or adobong pusit or “squid adobo”). It’s the easiest seafood dish I can make, second only to my microwavable fish sticks and McDonalds fish fillet leftovers.

All you have to do is swim in the ocean and catch 8 or 9 squid, remove their “plastic” spines and hard beaks without leaking ink and throw everything else in a pot with vinegar, salt, and pepper. My buddies Obi and Marie told me you can also add onions and garlic so that you can get karate-kicked in the mouth with an additional blast of flavor.

If you want you can also make fried calamari. Remove the skin and guts along with the hard parts, batter the sliced bodies in flour, salt, and pepper and throw them in a pan filled with oil and BAM, it kicks you in the mouth. Squid doesn’t know karate, but I know kung-fu, taekwondo, and 2 other dangerous words.

Happy Philippine independence day!

Costa Rica’s goalie Jose Porras was sweating like a pig before a Filipino fiesta as Germany’s Miroslav Klose celebrated his birthday today by kicking balls at Porras’ face. Somebody give this man a San Miguel!

From June 9 to July 9 people around the world will be glued to their TV screens to watch what I believe is bigger than the Olympics and Santa Claus. No, not Girls gone Wild 2006, the World Cup.

Unlike those sports announcers with toupees and those football pundits with their suits and fruity ties, my predictions will actually come true. First off, England will lose to Paraguay tomorrow because Beckham is married to a Spice Girl. So what if they’ve been married for 15 World Cups in a row, this time I swear they’ll lose. Lastly, I believe the last two teams who’ll reach the final game will be Germany and the Philippines. Ok, the Philippines isn’t in the World Cup, but I predict a bad case of athletes foot will hit one of the World Cup teams late June, possibly the Japanese, which will automatically call for 23 Filipinos to take their place. Don’t ask me, it’s in the World Cup constitution. The Philippines will win, 34 to -5.

Links:
-The World Cup schedule (US east coast times).
-Can a goalie actually score from the other side of the field? Yes, yes they can.

Back in the day we used to catch Dungeness crabs singing “Pakitong-kitong” (a children’s song about crabs) and eating pan de sal as we waited for our crab nets to fill up. Unfortunately the Bay is a bit more polluted with more dead bodies than ever before so we buy our crab now for about $2 a pound off-season. It’s worth the price though, especially when catching Dungeness crab is illegal. The last thing you want to do is eat your crab in jail or spend $30 at Red Lobster for two anorexic crab legs. Pastilan mahala.

On a lighter note, enjoy your 666 day by boiling up some live crabs while laughing at them. Be sure to throw lemon, butter, garlic, vinegar, and salt over the crabs for taste.