Happy Chinese New Year to all the Chinoys and Chinays out there. Stay good looking and rich! It's the year of the Snoop Dog, which happens to be my year. I hope this means it'll be a good year for me, because if it isn't, i'll boycott Chinatown.

My cousin and I used to go to Chinatown every new year to blow up firecrackers that didn't blow up the night before. One year we bought a quail from the poultry shop and let it free in Golden Gate Park. It felt good, but then again I think we should've ate it. Some people can move on from their mistakes, but I still wish we let that quail go on a grill instead.

In the Philippines, everything is bigger and scarier. Whenever I see someone scared of a baby daddy-long legs spider here I shake my head in shame. I just feel like flying them to a small barangay in the Philippine mountains and leaving them there to sleep with hot-dog-sized millipedes and my Tita Pikoy.

Malls in the Philippines are also pretty big. If Wal-mart, Costco, and a Philippine mall were in the same room, that room would be INSIDE a Philippine mall. A typical mall in the Philippines has a large movie theater at the top floor (which takes up about 10 more floors), followed by a "floor of fun" where all you'll find are games, arcades, and unicorns, and finally rows and rows of stores and restaurants. Some malls in capital cities even have amusement parks inside them. If you're the kind of person who likes big buildings full of more buildings, buy a ticket to the Philippines and never come back. Actually come back and bring me some fake Jordans.

They say the first sign you'll see when you arrive in the Philippines says, "Welcome to the Philippines, the most Catholic country in the world. Beware of pick-pockets."

I haven't seen this sign yet but i've seen others. Most of the signs sound like my family members wrote them. The "OPPs!" sign reminds me of my Lolo Tony. Whether he's directing a car backing up or watching a kid trip, you can be sure he'll say "Op's," "Epp," or any word with a vowel and two p's after it.

In the news, Manny Pacquiao TKOs Morales and kills two people at the same time. How does he do it?

My mom lives on this street in the Philippines, her house is the brown one on the left and it's only thirty slippers away from the ocean. Living here (in the U.S) is cool, but where's my damn ocean across the street? I don't see any exotic plants or fruit bats waiting for me as I walk home from school, pastilan boanga'.

I plan on going back there this year to bring my mom back home because she just had a stroke. Filipinos, at least the one's I know, don't like the idea of placing their parents in "homes for the aged." I've seen people on TV bring stray dogs inside from the rain and throw their elderly in "old folk's homes." Make use of your pets AND your lolos and lolas by having them make puppy adobo.

Maligayang kaarawan mama!

My tita Kulit keeps buying me creamy buko pie from Valerio's. Buko pie is made with sweet, soft, young coconut pieces scattered in a custardy creamy pie. If you want you can use elderly coconuts, but that would be disrespectful. Buko means "innocent coconut" in Tagalog. (Tita Kulit is not really my tita, salamat sa dios).

If you ever swing by the Philippines on your way to the store, check out the Chocolate Hills of Bohol. Why do they call them chocolate? Because they're made out of chocolate.

I visited the hills with my family one day and found out mixing cute children with chocolate hills is dangerous.

Early in the morning after I wake up I check my eyes and nose for boogers. If I don't do this the boogers dry up, so when I do try to pull them out they take my nose hairs and eyelashes with them... with tears of sakit. There are two kinds of boogers: the kulangot (aka kugmo in bisaya) and the muta. Kulangot is found only in the nose and is easier to remove. Muta is found in the corner of the eye but can also be chillaxing on an eyelash if left alone to dry. Don't let muta do that to you, you should try to remove it as soon as you can before you talk to anyone guapa looking. Have a magandang umaga.

Why do we make fun of fobs? Thanks to my parents who were fresh off the boat I eat baby ducks, love old people, and get to visit the Philippines once every 20 years. I'll tell you this though, fobs are still funny. I mean damn, ders sampting abowt da pilipino aksent dat makes me lap. So go ahead, laugh at them and make them cry.

But seriously, I think we should try to learn some basic Tagalog words so our fellow pinoys can tease us back. Here, i'll start you off:

(Tagalog greetings)
Tae: hello.
Kantot: nice hat.
Putang ina mo: goodbye.

(Bisaya greetings)
Pisting yawa: I like you.
Bilat: cat.
Ti-ti: dog.

Now go out there and affreciate your pabness!

Empanada, of all Filipino pocket things (like lumpia or fake Louie Vuitton bags), is hard to make right. What does a person have to do to get some decent empanada around here?! Good Filipino empanada is small and not packed with too much crap, just meat (usually ground beef), 2 kinds of vegetables, raisins, potatoes and has a crisp buttery shell.

I tried empanada from a Filipino store in Carson (aka the Daly City of Los Angeles where Filipinos have taken over). Their empanada is one of the best in the universe because they make my mouth basa'.

Hollerrrrrr. A shirt I ordered online has arrived. Watch me pop my collar AND keep it Rizal at the same time.

So what do they mean by "keepin' it rizal?" Is this some kind of 'eslang?' Kids these days I swear. Pnoyapparel.com.

If you're Filipino and don't know how to cook rice your mom and dad must be either rich or not Filipino. Sorry to have ta break it to ya: you're adopted. To cheer you up, i'll teach you how to make rice for me. You'll be making rice faster than you can say, "Hoy, na unsa ka? Pisting yawa."

1) Throw the rice in a pot (for stove cooking), large bowl (for microwave cooking), or rice cooker container (for lazy people).
2) Add water, rinse, remove water.
3) Add water again. Use your fingers or eye the waterline above the rice. The gap should be about an inch no matter how much rice you have (debatable). If you like your rice dry, keep it at or below an inch. If you like it wet, go somewhere private.
4) If you're using a stove, cook until it boils and then cover it once it starts to look like rice. Low heat it for about 15 minutes. If you're using a microwave, set it for 15 minutes. If you're using a rice cooker, lift your finger in the air. Push your finger toward the rice cooker button. Push the button. Lift your finger off of the button. Sleep.
5) Once your rice is done, throw it away. You did it wrong.

It'll take about 2-3 tries before you can do it right because it all depends on the kind of rice you use, how you cook, the amount you cook, and if you can read this.

If you're Filipino and celebrated the new year the pinoy way, you ate grapes, jumped up and down, and danced your ass off. Happy new year to my fellow dark-skinned pinoys and remember to keep away from the kryptonite that is the skin-lightening product. And happy new year to everyone else too, you know I love you. No really I do so give me money.

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