My ex-lover Natalie (you might have seen her in "Star Wars" or my fantasies) has changed so much since we last met. She used to be so nice and smelled like babies and dew drop sounds. Now it seems she has taken a darker path, now that we've broken up.

Her parents never really approved of her dating a non-white blogger with ethnic identity issues. It wasn't because they were racist, it was because they felt that she too would succumb to the death grip of my fried fish. Stay strong Nat. We'll always have the cabbage. We'll always have the cabbage. (An inside joke we'll cherish forever. Repeated purposely for maximum effect).

Remember that movie "The Elf" starring Will Farrell and some other short people? (Sorry, "little people."). Well, I was in that movie. I played one of the shorter, browner, uglier elves making toys for the Philippine shipment.

Unfortunately they cut me out mid-way through filming because my "raccoon scene" got a little bit out of hand. Instead of allowing myself to be viciously attacked by a fake stuffed raccoon, I beat down the stuffed animal until his stuffing came out his butt. I guess they felt my emotional and Oscar-worthy performance was better for an Al Pacino movie, rather than a kid-friendly one like with Hilary Duff or Christopher Walken. Photos (c) 2003 Alan Markfield/New Line Productions/"Elf." Give me my paycheck you bastards.

Bored-out-of-your-mind-at-your-xmas-party-online-games:
Sober Santa 2: Get Santa drunk but keep him away from the rails with your arrow keys.
Winter Bells: Smack bells with a bunny. No, the bunny doesn't get drunk. Shucks.
Line Rider: Be sure to check out finished tracks in the "movies" section.

'Tis the season to be jolly. But who said you had to spend Christmas sipping super-hot cocoa while skiing with friends? Why not sip an ice cold beer while waterskiing off a white-sand beach? Because its just as dangerous.

If I had things my way, instead of gathering around an open fire and Christmas trees, children would gather around the ocean's edge waiting for Santa, who they'd affectionately call "Manong Poy-Poy," loosely translated as "Red Fat-Ass."

Instead of your conventional western sleigh and reindeer, Manong Poy-Poy would ride a small boat propelled by 6 tuna fish and the beloved Rude-dolph the red-nosed-dolphin. Contrary to popular belief, Rude-dolph is actually quite well-mannered and loves kids (between the ages of 2 and 4. You know, the cute years).

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