But you’re still gonna die early. The Filipino diet is the kryptonite of a dieting Filipino. Especially if you live at home with two kitchens and have stoves whose burners you’ve never seen before; blocked by pots full of beep stek. It also doesn’t help to have a fridge full of leftovers and future dishes in their defrosting stages.
Despite this I lost 40 lbs in four months in 2001. And I still enjoy my high-blood-inducing diabetic diet. From which I gained back 20 lbs to this day.
In a situation like this there are only 6 things you have to do to lose weight:
1) Move out of your mom’s house.
2) If you can’t move out, find a reason to stay out of the house to get away from your uncle’s adobong fill-in-the-blank. Get a library card or join a club (Costco memberships and club sandwiches don’t count).
3) Drink a lot of water. Either tug along a gallon of water, stay close to the water cooler, or drown in a pool.
4) Diet on the weekdays not weekends. On the weekend go ahead and hang out, eat, and drink whatever you want. But come Monday it’s back to work. If its a weekday and there happens to be a birthday or free samples of Krispy Kreme, go ahead and give in. If there’s a birthday everyday of the week, stop climbing the social ladder: you’re too fat.
5) Stretch in the mornings, park your car further away, and sleep earlier. Over time, you’ll feel more energy and you’ll want to start doing a few squats and sit ups. Next thing you know you’ll be skinny and telling your family members how you lost weight, making them feel fat and depressed.
6) Call Weight Watchers and tell ‘em to suck it.
*Results may vary. Please consult your quack doctor if this regimen is right for you. By following these steps you agree to release me from any liability arising from drowning, telling people to ’suck it,’ and/or hurting your relative’s feelings.
You know that feeling you get when you’re driving down a one lane highway and someone in a Honda Del Sol comes up real close behind you, tailgating you for miles? That feeling is from the dark side.
And that feeling you get when you’re late for work and you find that your Kuya Bukangkoy didn’t do the laundry, leaving you stuck choosing either the tight-fitting slacks or the dockers with the champorado stain on it and you walk out to find that your tires were slashed realizing that the tight-fitting slacks you chose to wear accentuate the roundness of your butt cheeks? That too is the dark side.
The next time you get tailgated on that lone stretch of highway, break to a stop blocking both lanes and just sit there staring blankly. When the driver stops cussing and drives off, follow him closely. Follow him very, very closely.
And when you’re late for work and you have to choose between the pants Prince gave you or the pair with the tae stain on it, don’t go to work. Especially if your tires are slashed. If your boss gives you grief about it the next day just stand there staring blankly. When your boss stops cussing and walks off, follow him closely. Follow him very, very closely… and stab him.
You see, sometimes you have to give in to your dark side. Because you never know, you might just get too used to being someone’s bitch.
May the force be with you. And also with you. Amen.
Star Wars links:
-If you see a Honda Del Sol like this tailgating you, laugh and point.
-Use the forks, Luke. Not your hands.
There’s a video going around claiming that the “Asian squat” originated in India circa 300 BCE1, which is wrong. Evidence gathered by Dr. Bebe Buling, top researcher at the Philippine Historical Tae Society, suggests that this popular and comfortable resting stance we now know today as the “Asian squat” was actually invented by an unnamed tribe deep within a cave on a beach on Camiguin Island, Philippines, far away from any comfort room or Holiday Inn2.
When the Indians came to the Philippines around -2300 ABC they said, “Yo that squat is tight. We finna’ cop that style son3.” And so the Indians returned to their country with this substitute for sitting and popularized it because they have a billion people there, which gave way to break dancing and chopsticks4. Ghandi was able to partake in his treks with ease because he never had to carry a chair5.
Sources:
1“How to do the Asian Squat.” Hsia, Daniel. 2002. Video.
2Encyclohopia Fictanica. ed. 1245. Saudi Arabia.
3“Filipinos invented folding chairs.” Buling, Tita Bebe. 1996.
4“Pansit: sorry, it isn’t Chinese.” Tang, Milo. 1856.
5“101 ways to persuade people and trick them.” Macadangdangdang, Joe. 2007.
Gay Filipinos are worshiped all over the world. Just check out the ever so fabulous Bryanboy. Even the tv show “Family Guy” references fabulous Filipinos (kinda). Im guessing the writers get their manicures done by gay Filipinos for their material.
The only places outside the Philippines where you can tap into this secret global network of flamey, Filipino 40 year olds are Filipino-run salons and karaoke bars. And never show fear or else they’ll use their “special” hair gel on you. It may smell like bleach… but it isn’t.
Filipino references in “Family Guy” (via YouTube):
-Stewie speaks tagalog.
-Quagmire had sex with 3 Filipino women. I mean 2.
-Filipino nurses.
Last time on our show we made delicious authentic pansit with ramen noodles and barbecue potato chips. Today, we’ll be making Nutella-dipped Oreos and milk, also known as, “Oreo poo-kies.”
1) Grab one Oreo cookie.
2) Dip it in Nutella, the sweet chocolate/hazelnut spread of love the Europeans call butter.
3) Dip it in 1 cup of milk. Count to 50 and eat the soft, gooey, diabetes cookie.
But if it’s real recipes you want (with better photos), start with Mae’s food blog.
If you wish to learn a new language, I guess this webpage is a good place to start. If you just happen to have a hovercraft. With eels in it.
Thanks to Xbox Live I haven’t been outside for 3 months. So now I suffer from temporary blindness and skin cancer when I go out to the “Asian” supermarket to buy shrimp chips. I don’t remember being this addicted to games since Tetris. Those were the good ol’ days. When I was your age, I used to walk 5 miles to school through 3 feet of snow playing Tetris on the ORIGINAL Gameboy. I’d spend a summer’s worth of savings, 70 cents, playing Pacman at the penny arcade; the only arcade this side of the Mississippi at that time. (Back when California was still a colony and the Philippines was called “Yuta sa mga Bisaya”).
Mahjong, sabong, posoy dos… these are names of games that broke-ass people like myself are too familiar with. Casinos in Reno, Cache Creek, Thunder Valley, etc… are black holes located in Northern California where people spend their paychecks on Lady Luck, or as I like to call her, bitch.
And then a few years ago I found out that my family partook in something a little more proactive called paluwagan. As I see it, a paluwagan is a Filipino tradition that involves a group of people who gather, say once a month, to contribute money to a common pot/pool/fund which is then given to one of the members for them to enjoy. This repeats every month until each member has had a chance to receive the pot (this tradition of “community sharing” is reminiscent of bayanihan. Or a friendlier, kinder, mafia). My aunts and uncles meet every birthday/baptism/holiday and have a paluwagan where the contribution is $200. $2000-$3000 goes a long way to pay a few bills. In my case, for more gambling.
1) Select and copy this javascript code:
javascript:R=0; x1=.1; y1=.05; x2=.25; y2=.24; x3=1.6; y3=.24; x4=300; y4=200; x5=300; y5=200; DI=document.images; DIL=DI.length; function A(){for(i=0; i-DIL; i++){DIS=DI[ i ].style; DIS.position=’absolute’; DIS.left=Math.sin(R*x1+i*x2+x3)*x4+x5; DIS.top=Math.cos(R*y1+i*y2+y3)*y4+y5}R++}setInterval(’A()’,5); void(0);
2) Click on the “Holla, B” icon on the right or the image above to go to the “Holla, B” page.
3) Paste the above code into the address bar of your browser and hit enter. Be sure to clear the web address first.
4) All of a sudden Jollibee’s dismembered head starts chasing the words across the screen. Use this to scare children or a tired uncle.
You can use this code on any website but the fewer the images the better. For example, the front pages of Flickr.com or Google.com. Please note that this may not work on certain browsers. If this is the case, pick up your monitor and throw it.
Weng Weng was a 3-foot tall martial-arts expert who worked for the Manila branch of Interpol. Bathe in his wondrous second and final shin-kicking spy movie “The Impossible Kid,” which was possibly even more mind-blowing than The Impossible Kid’s prequel: “For Your Height Only.”
His signature move involved a free-fall clothesline on his opponent(s) from atop a flight of stairs. When no stairs were available, he’d hide underneath trucks and trip people. He enjoyed riding his yellow mini-bike and seducing secretaries (sorry, “assistants”) in-between saving rich Chinoy businessmen and flashing his Interpol ID. Despite his passing in the mid-90’s, he has slowly acquired a modest cult following of which I have become leader.
