Insects in the Philippines are twice the size of insects in America. But you should see the rabbits. They're huge, pink, and make great rabbit adobo.

Growing up I wished I could be a super hero like Batman or She-ra. Instead I grew up to be Pink-rabbit-man. It's worth it though, being able to hop over children 19 months or younger in a single bound and blowing kisses. I know that with great power comes great responsibility, but after a while it gets real hot in that costume and when kids ages 10 and above start kicking me, I become depressed.

No one eats at a buffet just to hang out or to visit the aquarium fish. Buffet customers come to commit the sin of gluttony. Anytime you break any one of the following rules of buffet-eating an angel doesn't get his wings and a kitten dies.

1) Preparation.
Be sure your last meal was small and about 3 hours ago. Eating nothing just decreases the size of your stomach and eating before a buffet is financial suicide. Also do not order soda, just stick to water. You already paid $8-$10, why spend more money on something that takes up unnecessary space in your stomach and makes you fart?

2) The "tester plate" (see above photo).
Your first plate is the "tester plate". This plate determines what your second plate will contain. This plate must be packed with as many different items as it can hold that you may find to your liking. Stay away from potatoes, breads, and frog legs. No buffet has good frog legs.

3) The "plate of success."
Your second plate is the "plate of success." This plate is why you came to this damn buffet in the first place. You are now consuming the specific items that made you say "holy crap this is damn good" from your "tester plate."

4) Rest.
Let your stomach digest a bit. When food starts going down your large intestine more room will be available in your stomach for your 3rd, and possibly final plate. Talk to your friends, look around at the families eating around you. Mock them for not knowing the true "way of the buffet."

5) The "plate of hope."
As in, "I hope I can eat another plate because I paid $10 bucks and I need my money's worth." This plate should only consist of the best items you had on your previous plates OR any item in the buffet that would've cost you $10 bucks outside the buffet, like King Crab legs or sashimi (sushi).

6) The "I dare you plate."
This plate has killed many people. Please, don't take a 4th plate unless you're fat or getting paid to do it.

7) Dessert.
Don't eat dessert. Maybe have a slice of orange or a bowl of that really cold, watery ice cream buffet's usually have. Other than that don't push it.

*Filipeanut is not responsible for you choking or having stomach pain. By following these steps you agree to release me from any liability arising from following these steps.

There is a restaurant in San Francisco called Asia SF where you can enjoy both Asian fusion and gender fusion. They might as well call it "Pinay SF" because most of the "guyls" are super fabulous Filipinos/nas. I swear, some of the guys in there have better bodies than women I normally see, like at a strip club or at church.

In the midst of all the beauty there were also a few who looked like mere men in drag, which made it even more enjoyable until I met our server who looked like my uncle. Every time she came around to serve us I felt this odd feeling and a comforting assurance at the same time. Luckily, as they say at Asia SF, "the more you drink, the better we look!"

Two pinays will be in this year's Miss Universe pageant. One of course from the Philippines, Ms. Anna Theresa Licaros (left), and one representing Norway, Ms. Kirby Ann Basken (right). I wish there was a Mister Universe pageant where the guy who wins would be me and i'd have to marry Miss Universe because we'd have the same last names because it would be like the law or something.

The Miss Universe pageant will be this May 28th in Mexico City. Photo of Anna courtesy of BPCI and OPMB. The website I took Kirby's photo from was not so courteous. So I am using it without permission.

The MYX music channel folks from the Philippines held a party in San Francisco last night and got people drunk. All I can say is that there were some hot bebots there (ladies) and I guess a few hot guys, but then again im bad with determining whether a guy is hot or not. Unless he's rich of course, which would then automatically make me gay and available.

Anyway, Apl was there as you can see by the barong-toting, stunna-shade-wearing, mohawked dude above. There were some other folks but I liked the opening groups the best: Bento and Not Your Average Super Heroes. Underground is the new mainstream! Whatever that means. I need to take a nap.

Inihaw na Pusit means Jessica Alba on a plate in Tagalog. Or grilled squid, depending on what part of "damn beautiful and delicious" you don't understand.

I guess this is what they mean by "Asian fusion." Bangus, salted duck egg, diced tomatoes, onions and rice, thrown in a roll of seaweed and then fried. They call it "Bangus Maki." Why didn't they call it Bangushi? I don't know.

There are 2 restaurants in America that serve a Filipino breakfast for $2.95 and both of them are on the same street and run by Chinese people. Which doesn't surprise me because the best Chinese food I had were by Mexicans.

One of them is called "Superstar" and the other is called "Gateway Kitchen." There are no signs on the outside of both these 40-year-old buildings indicating a "Filipino breakfast," but once you go inside, all you'll see are Filipinos eating their bangus, tocino, and longanisa with a scoop of garlic rice, an egg, and some random vegetable/canned fruit that no one eats. I recommend these 2 places for poor college students who don't care about ambience. And unless your date is a fatter, less attractive Rachel Ray, you're gonna get slapped.

I recommend any dish but be sure to ask for Hong Kong style pork chops on the side (photo above). Order a to-go box because they fill that sucker with rice. Tell 'em Filipeanut sent ya, ya hear!

Hello and welcome to "bisaya for beginners, from a beginner." Come with me as we learn a language spoken by everyone south of Manila's pollution clouds. Now we will move on to complete phrases. Today's phrase is "pag bantay" (pag bun-tai).

Pedestrian: Sha, la, la, la, in the morning... *whistle...
Driver: Pag bantay!

Thank you Driver and Pedestrian, if you didn't notice "pag bantay" means "watch out, don't get hit by my bus/car/tricycle." In the meantime check out an example of "pag bantay" in India.

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